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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22542463">Presidential alert: the boys are fighting!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113'>Zoya113</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A trainwreck honestly, Alcohol, Drinking, F/M, Mel and Ted are angry drunks, Melissa’s commits like three hate crimes, bill is a sad drunk &amp; im not taking feedback on that, lots of swearing, paul is a clingy &amp; affectionate drunk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 14:27:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,047</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22542463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ted throws a party in an attempt to get some time with Charlotte out of Sam’s suspicion, this is very difficult when all of his friends are getting ragingly drunk</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Charlotte/ Sam, Emma Perkins/ Paul Matthews, Ted/ Charlotte</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Presidential alert: the boys are fighting!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>You can pinpoint the exact moment I realised this was too angry and shouty and was putting everyone in a bad light and start desperately scrambling for recovery</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“And you see this? Oh look! Look she has the sweetest little meow here,” Charlotte was shoving her phone into Ted’s face. “Do you see?” </p><p>“Yeah I see, Char.” Ted saw nothing. The video she had filmed on her phone was covered by her thumb. He wondered how she worked in IT. “Cute video.” </p><p>“Oh don’t you think?” She swooned, and her smile made his heart skip a beat. “Even Sam is being nice to her. She’s just a little kitten, she’s too sweet.” </p><p>“You need to get yourself a man who won’t complain about your cats so much,” saying so, he brushed off the cat fur clinging to the shoulder of her sweater. “Hey, it’s a Tuesday. Sam’s gonna be out tonight isn’t he? How about I come over and meet the new kitten, huh?” He shot her a wink. </p><p>“Oh, Ted,” her cheeks flushed red and she clutched her phone to her chest. “You know what I’ve said, I’m sorry, but Sam and I are trying to work this out! Counselling is such a help, if I want to commit to my marriage we can’t keep doing this,” she brought her voice right down to a whisper, shooting looks over her shoulder to make sure no one could hear her. “I’m sorry, Ted.”</p><p>“Ugh. Charlotte, he doesn’t treat you right. Counselling is doing fuck all for you two. The sooner you stop believing that the better,” he spat, not afraid to raise his voice. </p><p>Charlotte winced but toughened up and shook her head. “No. It’s my marriage Ted, you don’t get to ruin it for me,” she had this big frown on her face as she left him behind, sulking back to her own office block. </p><p>Ted scoffed, leaning back in his wheelychair to stare up at the roof and chew on one of his pens. </p><p>“Hey Ted,” he heard Melissa call as she and Paul returned from their coffee run. “What’re you looking like that for?” She pulled Paul along with her over to his desk despite her friend’s resistance. </p><p>“Hey, hey Paul!” Ted spun around in his chair to face him. “I need your help.”</p><p>“With what?” He paled a little, his eyes darting to Melissa to shoot her an accusatory look for getting him tangled up in this. </p><p>“So you know how you had the hots for the barista and you still went after her even though you knew you would never be able to get with her?” He spoke quickly so that Paul could reply quickly, but he was just giving him a stunned look. “Paul, keep up.”</p><p>“Well, I did ‘get with her,’ Ted. Why?”</p><p>“Well I really like this girl and she doesn’t want to be around me because she thinks I’m always asking her out on a date,” he didn’t even stop to think about how dumb that might make him sound to Paul. He just wanted an answer. “So how did you get Emma without even taking her on a date first, like?” </p><p>“Well, Ted, that’s not your business.”</p><p>“Oh!” Melissa nodded. “Classic move, if you make it a party, it’s not a date,” she tapped her forehead like she was imparting some sage wisdom to him. </p><p>“Melissa, let the grown ups talk,” Ted snapped, feeling like he didn’t have time to waste. </p><p>“Wow, alright,” she held her hands up in defence before scurrying back to her desk. </p><p>“Ted, why’re you asking me for dating advice all of a sudden?” Paul cast a longing look over his shoulder at Melissa who had gotten to walk away.</p><p>“Because you have a fucking girlfriend, genius. Look. If you aren’t going to be any help then just go drink your coffee somewhere else.” </p><p>Paul sniffed, cupping his hands right around his coffee cup. ‘Paul’ it said, with a messy little love heart next to it scrawled in sharpie. He mumbled something like he was going to add something else but refrained, finally walking away. </p><p>Ted pulled his chair right into his desk to smack his fist down on his keyboard. Why couldn’t Charlotte just see it wasn’t working out with Sam? They could have something so much better. He would care for her, and he would actually know all her cat’s names, and that was the bare minimum at least. Sam was a fucking asshole, Charlotte shouldn’t have to put up with him, and now this counselling idea has gotten so into Charlotte’s mind that she really thought they were working, she would barely talk to Ted. If he could just speak to her for a minute - huh, maybe Melissa’s ides wasn’t that bad. </p><p>———————————————————</p><p>Ted was already drunk by the time the party actually started, and maybe that was why his planning was so askew. He had rung Paul last minute to tell him to bring Emma along, because somewhere in his head he thought they were a good example of a relationship. Maybe Charlotte would see that and realise how wrong she was. He had hastily uninvited five or six people as well, he only wanted people Charlotte knew so she wouldn’t be nervous or uncomfortable. The less people the better anyways, it meant maybe a few more seconds with her. </p><p>And in the end, now that everyone was coming through the door it wasn’t really a party at all, there were only going to be six including himself, that was, until Sam walked through his door with Charlotte under his arm like he actually cared for her or something. </p><p>“Sam?” He bared his teeth when he spoke. “What’re you doing here?” </p><p>“I’m a plus one, have you got a problem?” He gave a smug grin. </p><p>“This wasn’t a plus one party,” maybe he was mad at Charlotte too for inviting him, he couldn’t hold back from glaring at her as well. “You can’t stick around.” </p><p>As they were staring each other down, Melissa slipped under Sam’s arm to get through the door, averting her eyes from their fight like she was pretending she wasn’t there, as if she didn’t just squeeze under the cop’s arm to get through. </p><p>“Well it’s a shame this party hasn’t been police checked, especially with all this booze, huh man? It’d be a real shame if someone where to call in,” he elbowed Ted as he showed himself in, keeping an arm tight around Charlotte’s shoulder. </p><p>“Hey, I’m here for your lame party man,” Emma and Paul were waiting right behind Sam and Charlotte. “Thanks for the invite, so psyched to be here,” Emma have an exaggerated nod. </p><p>“God. Don’t make this party any worse,” he scowled, tasting the alcohol on his breath. </p><p>“Hey, woah,” Emma recoiled into Paul’s side. “Maybe you need to cut it with the drinks, dude.”</p><p>“Oh thanks, Perkins. Thank god I invited you to keep a tally. Go find some corner to go make out in or some shit,” he waved them off.</p><p>Paul took Emma’s hand to go lead her to the couches, his eyebrows knitting. </p><p>He loitered by the doorway for a few moments just to steel himself. And then only Bill was at the door. </p><p>“Hi Ted, sorry I’m late,” he had a fancy looking bottle of wine in his hands, passing it over to him. </p><p>“Ah, thanks Bill,” he was already dreaming about downing this. This was a shitty party already, and he hadn’t even joined everyone else in the main room. He grabbed another can, cracking open the lid. Maybe this was his third drink, it better make things more tolerable. </p><p>It was stupid that there was an uneven number of people, everyone had already paired off, he couldn’t sit anywhere near Charlotte because she was with Sam, still wrapped up in his arms like he was holding her hostage or something. It made him seethe as he grabbed a spot next to Melissa who was going off on a tangent, but it was the only other free seat in his living room. </p><p>“And I was trying to explain to this guy that I can’t just ‘refresh his account’ because he didn’t even have one, but I didn’t want to be mean and- oh, that’s a pretty bottle,” she paused to point at it. </p><p>“Want some?” He asked. </p><p>“Oh no thank you, I don’t really drink,” she shook her hand and was about to return to her story when Ted asked why. </p><p>“Have you never drunk before? You’re old enough, why not?” He stood up to grab a cup from the counter. </p><p>“Ted, some people just don’t drink,” Emma cut in. </p><p>“Thanks for the input from the girl with daddy issues,” he pointed a hand at Emma, clicking his fingers into finger guns. “I was asking Melissa.” He poured himself a glass despite the can in his hand. </p><p>“Hey, don’t do that Ted,” Paul defended her. </p><p>“It was a question for Melissa, let her answer it. Why don’t you drink?” He brought her a cup over, shoving it into her hands.</p><p>She rejected it at first. “No, I’ve never had enough to get drunk, the only time I did was my 21st birthday and apparently I’m pretty awful.” </p><p>“Melissa, you’re basically a glorified teenager, your definition of ‘pretty awful’ is swearing. Try Bill’s nice wine out for once.” </p><p>“No, really. I get sort of angry when I drink.”</p><p>“You sound like you could use it after that story,” Bill added with a chuckle. “I can’t imagine Melissa being an angry drunk.”</p><p>“Ted, don’t force her to drink if she doesn’t want to,” Emma tried again, leaning forward. </p><p>Melissa shook her head. “No, it’s okay Emma. Look, it’s kinda pink, isn’t that pretty? Why not you know?” </p><p>Even Paul seemed shocked. “I’ve never seen you drink enough to get drunk, Melissa.”</p><p>“Good thing you weren’t at my twenty-first,” she quirked her eyebrows as she lifted a hand to her mouth to sip. </p><p>Ted started a small cheer that was picked up by a few others around the circle to celebrate her ‘first’ drink. “You like it?”</p><p>“What are you trying to get people drunk for, Ted?” Emma grimaced even when Paul tried to get her to lean back again. </p><p>“Emma, we get it, you’re too high class for beer. Drink some wine then.” He leant in to smack his own cup of wine down on her side of the table. </p><p>Her eyes went wide for a second but without a noise she picked it up to sip on. “I mean I’m not complaining,” she mumbled to Paul. </p><p>“Sam, why don’t you be a pal and go grab some drinks for everyone?” Ted wasn’t asking a question. </p><p>On an average day he didn’t really care about filtering himself, but whenever he got drunk it was like he was doing it on purpose. He couldn’t help getting pissed, and every snappy remark from Emma or taunt from Sam was pushing him closer to the edge. Every time Sam would slip his hands around Charlotte’s waist he saw it, measuring her face for any sort of discomfort. She hadn’t said a word this whole time. This was all a waste of alcohol and time. </p><p>Did Charlotte really have no regard for how he might be feeling? She knew he liked her, did she feel no guilt for bringing Sam along? Was this another desperate attempt for her to feel like her marriage was functional? </p><p>He scoffed out loud, interrupting Bill’s line of dialogue. </p><p>“Sorry Ted, where you talking?” He paused himself. </p><p>“No, go on. I’m so sorry to interrupt your story, Bill,” he rolled his eyes. </p><p>Bill shut his mouth instead before letting it gap. “Sorry, did I say something wrong?” </p><p>He wasn’t even looking at Bill, he was looking at Charlotte leaning up to kiss Sam’s cheek. Her gaze briefly brushed with his and her face lit up red before looking away. </p><p>“No Bill, you’re totally fine. Hey, hey you know what guys?” He stood up. “This party was Melissa’s idea, let’s cheer for her and her first drink, huh?” He changed topics. </p><p>This was not a good party at all, everyone knew it. It was tense and awkward and the confused cheer that followed reflected that. </p><p>“Yeah, what’s with the sudden party? Since when have you ever been into respecting Melissa?” Emma interrogated. </p><p>“Yeah Ted, what’s this party for?” Sam asked, crossing one ankle across his other knee. “It’s boring as shit.” </p><p>Melissa snorted, cupping a hand across her nose. “You’re really gonna say that after Ted told you it was my idea? Hah, okay,” she took a sip to finish off her drink, clinking it down. “Okkayy,” her voice was singsongy and taunting. </p><p>“Are you alright, Melissa?” Charlotte asked. </p><p>“I’m fine, I’m just saying,” she shrugged, collecting her cup to go pour another glass without asking first. </p><p>“Yeah, why don’t we all get another drink huh?” Ted encouraged. Sam wasn’t allowed to drink that much was he? Didn’t he have to be ready for work at any given moment? Maybe he’d stage a crime nearby to get Sam to go attend to it. </p><p>“Paul, hun, can you get me another drink please?” Emma leant into Paul’s chest, and Paul who was a bit tipsy himself nodded and kissed her before getting up. </p><p>Another round of drinks was brought to the table, and another round of drinks was downed. People were starting to laugh a little too loud, their skins were flushing. The tension was starting to slip away, between most people at least. He had lost track of how many he had drunk by this point, Melissa and Emma were on their seconds, Paul and Bill on their third, and Charlotte was halfway through her forth. She was drinking like she really wanted to forget where she was. Could she not even look at him for a second? Did she not get this party was for her? He wanted to take her face and fucking kiss it and then punch up with Sam in the backyard. </p><p>She was just seated there so innocently, and he couldn’t look away. If he could have her for just twenty minutes, but no, she was curled into Sam’s side in the same way Emma was curling up to Paul, like she was trying to mimic them. Her hands were looped uncomfortably around Sam’s side like they didn’t quite belong there. </p><p>He stared at her until he caught her eyes, and she hooded them like she was trying to hide that from Sam. She gave him a shrug and while she was looking at him he put an arm over Melissa’s shoulder. </p><p>“You guys know what?” He cut off whoever was talking, he wasn’t keeping track anymore. His head was pulsing with anger and envy, blurred by his drunk stupor. “Can we take a sec to appreciate how good Melissa is?” </p><p>“Hahaha,” Paul hummed in between his<br/>laughter. “I love Melissa. Once I couldn’t find my stapler so she let me borrow hers. Mel come’ere so I can give you a hug.” </p><p>Melissa looked increasingly uncomfortable under Ted’s arm. </p><p>“Melissa is so good, she does so much work for the office, and I just really love that about her!” </p><p>Maybe she wouldn’t be so uncomfortable if Ted was an affectionate drunk like Paul, but it was fairly obvious to everyone in the room that he only got angry when he drank. </p><p>Charlotte raised an eyebrow, her eyes on Ted’s hand and where it was slipping down Melissa’s side. </p><p>And that’s when the room found out why Melissa didn’t drink. </p><p>“Oi, take your fucking hand off me, bitch.” She picked up his hand and pushed him back. “Did I- did I ever tell you not to be such a creep, huh man?” </p><p>“Ooooh, Mel,” Paul chirped, ducking his head into Emma’s neck. </p><p>“Yeah, you go Melissa!” Emma clapped her hands. </p><p>Ted was too drunk to be embarrassed. “Sit back down, don’t make a big deal out of it, I was just being nice. Go get yourself another drink and chill,” he ordered her. </p><p>“Wow, since when were you my boss?” She snorted, elbowing him hard in the gut before standing up to go sit besides Bill. </p><p>“God, what the fuck, Melissa?” He held out his hands in a questioning gesture. </p><p>“Bill, tell Ted to leave me alone before I come back over there and punch him in the fucking dick,” she leant up to his ear like she was whispering and not shouting. </p><p>“Oh come on guys, let’s be nice,” Bill tried to comfort everyone, his voice cracking slightly. </p><p>“Hah! We might need to call in the paddy wagon for this one!” Sam slapped his knee like it was funny.</p><p>He didn’t care what Melissa thought, he was just mad she made such a big deal. He didn’t want to do anything, he just wanted Charlotte to maybe be a bit jealous, was that so much to ask?</p><p>Sam was literally just sitting back watching his party go to shit, keeping Charlotte trapped under his arm. </p><p>“Don’t flirt with Mel, she’s a kid,” Emma growled at Ted.</p><p>“I’m actually twenty four, if anyone would like to stop treating me like I’m twelve for two seconds,” Melissa held her hand up for attention. </p><p>“Hey, I wasn’t- stop making a big deal out of shit guys, just keep drinking, have fun okay? I’ve got as much to drink as you want. Charlotte, do you want a drink? I’ll get you a drink.” </p><p>“Oh no, Ted, I’m perfectly fine I think I’ve had enough, but thank you for the offer.” She wrapped her hands tighter around Sam like she was scared just talking to Ted would insinuate something. </p><p>“Ah,” he brushed her hands off his chest. “I’ve got to go take a piss.”</p><p>“Don’t be gross,” Melissa stuck out her tongue like she was going to vomit as Sam walked off. “Men are fucking gross sometime. It’s like they’ve got to be gross, that’s why I would never date one, do you know?” Melissa could barely hold her tongue on a good day. He wasn’t surprised she lost her filter when she was drunk. “Listen, you know what? People who act like being gay is a choice are the dumbest people on the earth because of sexuality is a choice who would choose someone like Sam, huh?” </p><p>“You wanna say that to his face?” Emma questioned. “He’s a cop. Can’t he arrest you for saying that?” </p><p>“Oh I’d like to see him try. I’ll say it to his face, watch me! Just wait until he gets back!” Melissa exclaimed. “I’d knock his teeth out just for the kicks! Sam doesn’t deserve rights!”</p><p>As much as he would love to let Melissa continue shit talk Sam, Ted took his opportunity to slide in besides Melissa, handing her a drink. “You wanna go somewhere quiet?” He asked. </p><p>“Ted, I’ve told you,” she tapped her foot anxiously. “I’m with Sam. You can’t say this stuff when Sam’s nearby.” </p><p>“But he isn’t here right now, babe, can’t you see how shitty he’s being to you tonight? You know you don’t have to be chained to his side right?”</p><p>“Ted, stop it.” </p><p>“Really. You’re so scared of that man, it’s not good for you,” he wanted to take her hand but they were occupied by her drink. “We really have something, Char,” he brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear and tried to search her eyes. </p><p>She did giggle at that. “Oh, Ted, sometimes you-“</p><p>“Hey, Charlotte,” that was Sam’s voice, growling and angry. </p><p>It made Emma jump and Paul wrapped his hands right around her, digging his head into her neck to kiss her and calm her back down. </p><p>“Come here a sec so we can talk?” He beckoned her over to the door. </p><p>Ted could see the fear in her eyes as she nodded and stood up, not risking looking at Ted for another second.</p><p>“Say the word and I’ll deal with it for you, Charlotte,” he tried to tell her but she shook her head and hurried off before she could get into any more trouble. </p><p>“Reminds me of how things were with my ex wife before we divorced,” Bill let out a mournful sigh. </p><p>“Okay not to be heterophobic but-“ </p><p>“Melissa you need to stop talking I think,” Emma advised. </p><p>“No, for real, why have I never seen a straight couple that love each other? They always fight and joke about how they regret getting together. What’s with that whole married couple joke? Like ‘the ball and chain?’” She was staring anyone who would look at her dead in the eye, challenging them to answer. “Bill got a divorce, Charlotte’s definitely going to, my parents should’ve,” she pointed at each person as she called them out. “The only couple I’ve seen get along is Paul and Emma, and that doesn’t count because-“</p><p>“Because I love Emma with my whole heart!” Paul looked up long enough from kissing Emma’s collarbone to announce to the room. </p><p>Ted didn’t care about Melissa’s weird drama, he wished she had just stayed sober. She was so loud, he couldn’t hear whatever Sam was hissing to Melissa, but he was gesticulating wildly, he thought he was about to hit Charlotte. If he even did anything to hurt her Ted wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to Sam. <br/>They were both drunk and he could see it in the way they would sway if they moved too quickly, and how red their faces are going. </p><p>“If you wanna stick around at this dick’s party, don’t get me involved!” Ted heard Sam snap. </p><p>“Sam! I thought it would be nice for us to do something together for a change!”</p><p>“You just want to hang around this guy, that’s all, you can never help yourself, Charlotte! This isn’t even a party!” Sam put his hands on his hips, but his fingers were flexing like he was about to push Charlotte. </p><p>“Sam! Why do you have to always fight with me? Why can’t we just get along? This was supposed to be a good evening but you always have to be so rude!” She fought back.</p><p>“Whatever! If you wanna stay here that’s cool, but I’ve got better shit to do than watch you trying to get into this guy’s pants.”</p><p>“We weren’t doing anything, Sam!” She put a hand on his chest as if to ask him to stop. “He was just talking to me!”</p><p>Ted wanted to butt in, but he knew that would only get Charlotte in more trouble, so he just monitored them. </p><p>“I just don’t know why my wife left me?” Bill sounded like he was crying now, and Ted’s hearing tuned back into the living room discussion when Sam and Charlotte returned to their hissing. “Did she ever think about what that might do to Alice? We could’ve worked through it but she just didn’t want to listen,” he was crying into Melissa’s shoulder.</p><p>“Oh, god Bill. We get it, you and your wife got a divorce, sometimes love isn’t meant to last. But you have to be strong for Alice, don’t be such a pussy.” </p><p>“I am being strong for Alice!” Bill tried to tell her through his tears. “She deserves so much better! I just don’t like her girlfriend! What if she’s repeating patterns me and my ex have taught her?” </p><p>“No, no Bill. Don’t worry. She isn’t repeating patterns taught by you, she’s a lesbian!” </p><p>The conversation was no longer belonging to the group. It was Bill and Melissa time now. Ted was too busy listening to Sam and Charlotte and Emma and Paul were tangled up in their make out session. </p><p>“Can you two shut it for a second?” He snarled. </p><p>“I’m so sorry, Ted,” Bill rubbed his eyes. “I’m just so worried about Alice.” </p><p>“Well I’m not sorry, fuck you, Ted! Let him cry!” Melissa scoffed. “It’s okay to cry, Bill,” she assured him. </p><p>“Melissa, don’t make me come over there!”</p><p>“Try me, dickhead. I’ll take your fucking shins out,” Melissa growled back. </p><p>“Seriously, can you just shut up for a-“ he was cut off at the sound of the door slamming, and Sam was storming out, leaving Charlotte on her own. He dropped his fight with Melissa to get up to go comfort Charlotte, zipping across the room to the front door to offer her a hug but she held out her hand. </p><p>“Don’t, Ted. Don’t make this any worse. I’ve told you I’m with Sam, we can’t keep doing this!” She hissed, her eyes were watery. </p><p>“Charlotte! He’s being an ass! Did you see how he was talking to you? I would never do that!” He just wanted to get that through her head. “I would treat you so much better, you could be happy,” he told her sincerely.</p><p>She nodded and sniffled. “I know, Ted,” she whispered like she was still keeping it a secret from Sam. “I know you could, but no means no.” She tried to offer him a helpful smile but couldn’t, and turned around to return to the couch.</p><p>“Ugh,” he grumbled. Now no one was talking to him. He had never been so angry, he respected her, but Melissa was so right - why would she choose Sam over him? He was going to be good to her! He didn’t want to be her plan B anymore, he wanted and he deserved to be her first choice, fuck, she deserved it too! A couple more years and a little bit more tension and he’d probably wind up hurting her! He wanted her out of that before anything happened to her. </p><p>He had to root himself to the floor so he didn’t kick down the door and catch Sam as he left to beat him to a pulp. But he had nothing else to do with his drunken anger. He strode right past her as he reentered the living room without even looking her way. “Hey Emma!” He sat down right next to her, jolting her out of her kiss. </p><p>“What? I’m in the middle of something,” her hands were up Paul’s shirt. </p><p>“Has anyone ever told you you’re a brat?” He shrugged. </p><p>“Yep,” she didn’t even bat an eye, returning to kissing Paul. </p><p>“Emma!” He said her name louder so he could have her attention for just a second but she was ignoring him now. But he was mad tonight, and he wouldn’t settle for that. “Emma, pay attention,” he yanked on her collar and she let go of her grip on Paul, tipped out of his lap with a grunt. “Why’re you so annoying?” </p><p>“I’m not even doing anything to you man!” She gasped as Paul helped her sit back up. </p><p>“Yeah, leave her alone!” He argued. </p><p>“Oi, Ted!” Melissa shouted. “Why’ve you always gotta be picking on a girl huh?” </p><p>Emma grimaced. “Yeah, what the hell man? You’ve drunk too much.”</p><p>“I’m not picking on you. Women are so confusing!” He finally snapped, glaring at Charlotte. “Sometimes you guys can’t just use your brains!” </p><p>“If he doesn’t stop being a bigot I’m going to commit a hate crime!” Melissa announced, standing up. “Stop glaring at Charlotte!” She swung her hands out. </p><p>“This is misandry! You’re the one picking on me!” He pointed a blaming finger at her. “I don’t hate woman, I’m actually agreeing with you Melissa! Some girls don’t know who they should date!” </p><p>“Ted, this is between us!” Charlotte stood up. </p><p>“Guys, please stop fighting! We should all just be friends tonight okay? This is a party!” Bill sobbed. </p><p>“Ted’s just being a bitch because he can’t get laid,” he heard Emma chuckle to Paul. </p><p>“Hey!” He grabbed her by the shoulder to yank her to her feet. “Mind your business!” It wasn’t that! He wasn’t denying that he could be an asshole but this was bigger than that. Charlotte was lined up to be the next number in the domestic abuse stats, and everyone was so focused on themselves and picking on him that they couldn’t see how stressed Charlotte had been lately. </p><p>“Hey, get your hands off her!” Paul shot up, shoving Ted away to shelter Emma. “Are you okay my love?” </p><p>“I’m fine baby. I’m gonna go get another drink. Do you want anything?” </p><p>“I’ll come with you,” Paul cooed, taking her hand to kiss as they walked off. </p><p>Ted growled, stalking them over to the kitchen to glare at Emma from a distance, his head spinning. There were cans and bottles and cups everywhere. How could there still possibly be drinks left? </p><p>Emma shot him a funny look he couldn’t interpret right. </p><p>There was as much anger as there was alcohol running through his blood and his bones. “You guys suck,” he told them when Paul took Emma from behind, his hands slipping around her waist and his lips on her neck as she poured herself a glass of Bill’s wine. </p><p>“Why’re you following us, man?” Emma questioned. </p><p>He wanted to hold Charlotte like that. He actually felt himself growing teary at the idea he’d never get to hold Charlotte like that. He bet Sam didn’t though. He couldn’t imagine being married to someone as sweet as Charlotte and not wanting to dedicate hours to loving her. </p><p>“This is my house. I’m not following you, I live here.”</p><p>“I hate you with every inch of my body, man,” Emma warned him.</p><p>He rolled his eyes. “Not a lot of inches.” </p><p>“Stop picking on her, Ted,” Paul threatened. “We’re literally trying to stay out of your way.” </p><p>He followed them back to the living room too, only to find Melissa on the table dictating something to Bill and Charlotte, clutching onto her bottle. He knew blackout drunk when he saw it, and Melissa wouldn’t remember a thing in the morning. He couldn’t believe this girl up on the table, so drunk she was spitting, would come in to work early on Monday in a ironed blazer and suit and sit down to handle the office affairs all day. </p><p>“I always say this, I always say this, I have two catchphrases and-“</p><p>“Two?” </p><p>“Yeah, I have my normal one and I have a French one too, I have-“</p><p>“Why’s it French?” Bill asked. “Can you speak French? What’s your French catchphrase?” Trying to raise a poorly coordinated hand to point. </p><p>“Oh, you haven’t heard?” She cleared her throat so she wouldn’t slur her words. “Quand les pauvres n'auront plus rien à manger, ils mangeront les riches,” she answered with a flawless French accent before switching immediately back to her shouting and drawling. “I did not come up with it. My second catchphrase? Be gay, do crimes. I didn’t come up with that either but I could’ve! They basically mean the same thing anyways.” </p><p>“You’ve lost me, Melissa,” Charlotte frowned, really trying to pay attention, but it was hard to understand Melissa. </p><p>“And to summarise, that’s why I’m deciding to quit,” she finished. </p><p>Ted felt like he must have missed the plot, he watched Paul and Emma return to the couch to drink. </p><p>“You can’t quit Melissa!” Bill frantically shook his head. “We need you!” </p><p>He sat back down next to Emma, catching a sullen, gloomy look from Charlotte that made his anger flare up. If she was so upset about that why didn’t she just come and talk to him!? </p><p>He didn’t want to look at her anymore, nor could he stand listening to Melissa talk. She had absolutely lost her filter, saying whatever was running through her mind, she was changing topics mid-word. Looking at Bill clean his face of his tears was uncomfortable, but Emma and Paul were the worst. </p><p>She had her legs wrapped around him, he had his hands under her shirt, sneaking up her back, every few seconds they would giggle or pull apart to look into each other’s eyes in a way that was somehow as chaste as it was suggestive. </p><p>“Can you guys cut it out with the PDA? You can’t just keep it to yourselves for a hot second?” </p><p>“Ted, Jesus Christ! I’ve had it!” She stood up from Paul, taking in a deep breath. “Baby, can you excuse me for a sec?” <br/> There was a drunken glaze to Emma’s expression but a sparkle in her eye. “Just one minute baby.” </p><p>“Come back soon, I’ll miss you,” Paul whined, kissing her hand as she grabbed Ted’s collar to drag him over to the corner.</p><p>“You need some chill man. I don’t know what the hell is up with you tonight. If you want us to leave you can just say so.” </p><p>“I didn’t say that! I just said you need to stop smothering each other. Can you not see Bill and Charlotte going through a rough time? They don’t need to have your successful relationship shoved down their throats!” He couldn’t help but grin because what could she say to that? They didn’t have to be quiet, Bill was blubbering too loudly, and Melissa was still shouting. </p><p>“Hey! I can’t help it that my boyfriend likes to kiss me! I can tell him to tone it down but I think you’re the only uncomfortable one,” she jabbed a finger at his chest. </p><p>It was a risky move considering how much anger he had bottled up. “You’re on thin ice Emma. Don’t let it crack,” he shoved her out of his way. At least he had gotten that off his chest. He needed another drink. It made something click in his head, and he could sit down to listen to Melissa’s speech for a moment, now that Paul was miserable Emma wasn’t letting him kiss her. They could all be sad together. </p><p>“My wife and I would always argue, we were so angry we didn’t even realise what that was probably doing to Alice!” Bill was talking now, Melissa nodding along like she was a sage advice giver in the area of romance. “We should’ve gotten a divorce sooner. It would’ve saved Alice some grief. Why am I a bad father?” </p><p>“You aren’t a bad father Bill!” Paul tried to assure him. “You were just trying to make it work, but some things aren’t meant to click.” </p><p>Their voices were giving him a headache.</p><p>Charlotte was looking down at the floor as she listened, that familiar frown finding its way easily back to her face, her hands wringing. </p><p>He heaved a sigh and shuffled over to sit next to her. “Hey,” he gave a tired smile which she politely returned. </p><p>“Hello, Ted,” she looked back to her shoes. </p><p>“I’m sorry about earlier,” he added quietly. “You okay?” He whispered. </p><p>“I’m fine, Ted,” she breathed, tapping her hands on her knees. “My head is just a bit sore.” </p><p>“Maybe you should sober up. I’ll get you some water.”</p><p>“Thank you, Ted.” </p><p>He was passing through to the kitchen when he heard Emma begin to take control of the conversation. <br/>He added ice to Charlotte’s glass because he knew she liked her water cold. Bill probably wasn’t a good person for her to be sitting next to right now. He stood in the kitchen letting the tap run for a second to gather his thoughts. He just had to cool down the pain in his head. </p><p>There was a snicker from the living room, followed by a loud laugh of ‘dumbass!’ From Melissa. </p><p>“No shh, shh,” Emma was laughing too hard to get her to quiet down. “I’m just telling the truth, sorry Charlotte!” </p><p>God, what now? It made the throbbing in his skull worse.</p><p>“I know, but you’re making me uncomfortable Emma,” Charlotte mumbled. “Could you stop?” </p><p>He didn’t even have it in him to control himself before Emma could reply. He stepped out from around the corner and everyone went silent to look at him as he seethed, his chest puffing in and out. “You!” He pointed at Emma, letting the alcohol in his system take over for a moment, he had known it a couple of drinks ago, but he was definitely going to black out tonight. He was glad. Next thing he knew he had Emma pinned up against the wall by her wrists, his chest pressing against hers so she couldn’t even try to run. </p><p>The beer was really kicking in now. He was phasing in and out of his own control, and all he could see was Emma’s face only a second from his, her wide eyes staring into his, a slight tug at her wrists as she tried to get out. </p><p>His headache was splitting, he couldn’t string together his next actions, and Emma’s face was getting redder as she tried to pull away from their close proximity. </p><p>“I’m really fucking drunk,” he managed to slur, letting his head fall down to rest on Emma’s shoulder. </p><p>His silence only lasted for a second before he felt hands on his shoulders, ripping him off Emma. </p><p>“What the hell do you think you’re doing man!?” Paul shoved him, and Ted felt his stomach lurch. </p><p>“Piss off! I wasn’t doing anything to her, she’s fine!” He managed to swivel his head to the side, and it spun his whole body. </p><p>Emma didn’t look fine, actually. She was completely pale now, grasping at her chest like she couldn’t breath right, her eyes so wide with terror. </p><p>“Don’t touch her!” He shouted, making Ted’s headache worse. “She doesn’t like being yelled at, and you’re piss drunk!” </p><p>“Do you want to take this outside man!?” He didn’t care - she was giving Charlotte a hard time. </p><p>“Don’t touch my girl! You’ve been following her around all night, you’ve been giving her those looks- and I’m warning you, keep your fucking hands off my girl!” </p><p>“Ooooh!” Melissa sung out from somewhere, laughing. “Presidential alert! The boys are fightiiinng!” She was almost singing. </p><p>That was last thing Ted remembered before he finally blacked out anyways. </p><p>———————————————————</p><p>Blackout drinking was a different type of hangover, and no one was taking it well by sunrise. </p><p>Paul was splayed out across the floor with a black eye which he didn’t know where it had come from. Emma was tucked into his arm, asleep on his chest, the first three buttons of her blouse were undone and she still wasn’t awake.  </p><p>Bill seemed to have been the only one to find a couch to sleep on, and was cuddled up to a pillow like his life depended on it. </p><p>From the looks of things, Melissa was probably never going to wake up ever again. Black out drinking was probably not the best welcoming experience to her first drink in a while. She was half on and half off the couch, it did not look comfortable but she was making it work. </p><p>Ted himself could only feel the rise and fall of his chest and some sort of bruise on his shoulder or chest. </p><p>He squinted at the sun coming in through the window directly into his eyes, there was a weight on his chest and he was scared maybe his ribs were broken until the pain lifted. </p><p>Through his still squinted eyes, he noticed the soft blue of the blouse Charlotte had been wearing, and as the feeling came back to his arm, he managed to piece together that she had her arms around him, her head on his shoulder. She was stirring, and he shut his eyes as to not embarrass her if she didn’t want to be found like that. </p><p>She sat up, her head spinning for a moment as she shielded her eyes from the sun. She mumbled to clear her throat, and then, to his surprise, leant down to kiss his forehead. “Ted, are you awake?” She asked very quietly. </p><p>He blinked open his eyes, using his hangover as an excuse to stare at her for a moment. “Yeah Char, I am.” </p><p>“Let me get you some water and some ice. Your head must be hurting very badly,” she got up, trying to smooth out her skirt and her shirt. </p><p>“What happened?” He asked, feeling the ache in his back kick in from sleeping on the floor. </p><p>“You don’t remember?” She giggled.</p><p>He winced at the sound of his tap running. “No. I kinda stopped remembering things after Sam walked out.” </p><p>“Well you were my hero last night,” she chuckled, handing him his water and returning to fetch classes for everyone else. “I’ll make some breakfast.” </p><p>“How’s everyone else doing?” He asked, his head to sore to look around for himself. </p><p>“I think we’re going to have to hospitalise Melissa,” she joked. “Oh, she was vomiting all night. I don’t think she’s done either.” </p><p>“Did I punch Paul?” He had to ask, groaning as he eased himself up. </p><p>Charlotte tried not to laugh too loud. “Yes. You got into a fight. But you punched poor Paul and he was so drunk you did him in.”</p><p>“Did he punch me?” He followed up. </p><p>“Oh, yes, it was quite a fight while it lasted. Scared the life out of Bill and I,” she was humming to herself quietly as she  set a round of water glasses on the table. She patted Melissa’s back lightly and the girl’s first reaction was to growl, loudly and violently until Charlotte stopped. </p><p>He smiled at how gentle her voice was in contrast to Melissa’s moans of pains as she tried to ease her up comfortably onto the couch. </p><p>“She’s not going to be at work on Monday,” she rubbed her eyes, shuffling back to the kitchen to get ice for Paul’s bruise. “I think you would’ve fought with Emma too if you hadn’t passed out first.” </p><p>“Crazy night,” he let out a hiss of pain as he leant against the back of the couch.</p><p>“Absolutely,” she came back down to sit  besides him, leaning against his shoulder and giving him a fond, sleepy look. </p><p>He slowly slipped a hand over her back around her waist, pulling her in for a kiss, and she reciprocated. </p><p>He pulled back after two or three seconds. He knew he shouldn’t have. She had said no last night. He wiped his lips, and then his eyes. “Sorry, Charlotte.”</p><p>She leant back in for another, quiet kiss, giving him one of her sweet, delicate smiles. “Good morning, Ted.”</p>
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